ọdịnaya
Why do some people grow up dependent, insecure, awkward in communication? Psychologists will say: look for the answer in childhood. Perhaps their parents simply did not realize why they wanted a child.
I talk a lot with women who were raised by cold, emotionally distant mothers. The most painful question that worries them after “Why didn’t she love me?” Is “Why did she give birth to me?”.
Having children does not necessarily make us happier. With the advent of a child, a lot changes in a couple’s life: they have to pay attention not only to each other, but also to a new family member — touching, helpless, sometimes annoying and stubborn.
All this can become a source of true happiness only if we internally prepare ourselves for the birth of children and make this decision consciously. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. If we make choices based on external reasons, this can lead to problems in the future.
1. To have someone who loves you
Many of the women I spoke to believed that having a child would help them drown out the pain that others had caused them throughout their lives.
One of my clients became pregnant as a result of a casual relationship and decided to keep the child — as a consolation. She later called this decision «the most selfish of my life.»
Another said that «children shouldn’t have children,» meaning that she herself lacked the maturity and emotional stability to be a good mother.
The problem is that the meaning of the child’s existence comes down to a function — to be an emotional «ambulance» for the mother.
In such families, emotionally immature and dependent children grow up, who learn early to please others, but are poorly aware of their own desires and needs.
2. Because you are expected to
It does not matter who is the spouse, mother, father or someone from the environment. If we have a child just to avoid disappointing others, we forget about our own readiness for this step. This decision requires conscience. We must assess our own maturity and understand whether we are able to provide the child with everything necessary.
As a result, children of such parents complain that although they have everything — a roof over their heads, clothes, food on the table — no one cares about their emotional needs. They say they feel like just another check mark on their parenting list of life goals.
3. To give meaning to life
The appearance of a child in the family can really give a new impetus to the life of parents. But if that’s the only reason, it’s a lousy reason. Only you can determine for yourself why you live. Another person, even a newborn, cannot do it for you.
Such an approach may in the future degenerate into overprotectiveness and petty control over children. Parents try to invest in the child as much as possible. He does not have his own space, his desires, the right to vote. His task, the meaning of his existence, is to make the life of parents less empty.
4. To ensure procreation
To have someone who will inherit our business, our savings, who will pray for us, in whose memory we will live after our death — these arguments from ancient times pushed people to leave offspring. But how does this take into account the interests of the children themselves? What about their will, their choice?
A child who is «destined» to take his place in the family dynasty or become the guardian of our heritage grows up in an environment of enormous pressure.
The needs of children that do not fit into the family scenario are usually met with resistance or ignored.
“My mother picked out clothes for me, friends, even a university, focusing on what was accepted in her circle,” one of my clients told me. “I became a lawyer because she wanted to.
When one day I realized that I hated this job, she was shocked. She was especially hurt by the fact that I quit a high-paying prestigious job and went to work as a teacher. She reminds me of that in every conversation.»
5. To save a marriage
Despite all the warnings of psychologists, dozens and hundreds of articles in popular publications, we still believe that the appearance of a child can heal relationships that have cracked.
For a while, partners can really forget about their problems and focus on the newborn. But in the end, the child becomes another reason for quarrels.
Disagreements over how to raise children remain a common cause of divorce
“I wouldn’t say it was our upbringing disputes that separated us,” one middle-aged man told me. “But they were definitely the last straw. My ex-wife refused to discipline her son. He grew up careless and careless. I couldn’t take it.»
Of course, everything is individual. Even if the decision to have a child was not well thought out, you can be a good parent. Provided that you decide to be honest with yourself and learn to calculate those unconscious desires that control your behavior.
Banyere onye ode akwụkwọ: Peg Streep bụ onye mgbasa ozi na onye ode akwụkwọ nke akwụkwọ kacha ere maka mmekọrịta ezinụlọ, gụnyere ndị nne ọjọọ: Otu esi emeri nsogbu ezinụlọ.