We try not to think about death — this is a reliable defense mechanism that saves us from experiences. But it also creates a lot of problems. Should children be responsible for elderly parents? Should I tell a terminally ill person How long he has left? Psychotherapist Irina Mlodik talks about this.
A possible period of complete helplessness scares some almost more than the process of leaving. But it is not customary to talk about it. The older generation often has only an approximate idea of how exactly their loved ones will take care of them. But they forget or are afraid to find out for sure, many find it difficult to start a conversation about it. For children, the way to care for their elders is often not at all obvious either.
So the topic itself is forced out of consciousness and discussion until all the participants in a difficult event, illness or death, suddenly meet with it — lost, frightened and not knowing what to do.
There are people for whom the worst nightmare is to lose the ability to manage the natural needs of the body. They, as a rule, rely on themselves, invest in health, maintain mobility and performance. Being dependent on anyone is very scary for them, even if the children are ready to care for their elderly loved ones.
It is easier for some of the children to deal with the old age of their father or mother than with their own lives.
It is these children who will tell them: sit down, sit down, don’t walk, don’t bend down, don’t lift, don’t worry. It seems to them: if you protect an elderly parent from everything “superfluous” and exciting, he will live longer. It is difficult for them to realize that, saving him from experiences, they protect him from life itself, depriving it of meaning, taste and sharpness. The big question is whether such a strategy will help you live longer.
In addition, not all old people are ready to be so turned off from life. Mainly because they don’t feel like old people. Having experienced so many events over many years, having coped with difficult life tasks, they often have sufficient wisdom and strength to survive old age that is not emasculated, not subjected to protective censorship.
Do we have the right to interfere in their — I mean mentally intact old people — life, protecting them from news, events and affairs? What’s more important? Their right to control themselves and their lives to the very end, or our childhood fear of losing them and guilt for not doing “everything possible” for them? Their right to work to the last, not to take care of themselves and walk while «the legs are worn», or our right to intervene and try to turn on the save mode?
I think everyone will decide these issues individually. And there doesn’t seem to be a definitive answer here. I want everyone to be responsible for their own. Children are for “digesting” their fear of loss and the inability to save someone who does not want to be saved. Parents — for what their old age can be.
There is another type of aging parent. They initially prepare for passive old age and imply at least an indispensable “glass of water”. Or they are completely sure that grown children, regardless of their own goals and plans, should completely devote their lives to serving their feeble old age.
Such elderly people tend to fall into childhood or, in the language of psychology, regress — to regain the unlived period of infancy. And they can stay in this state for a long time, for years. At the same time, it is easier for some of the children to deal with the old age of their father or mother than with their own lives. And someone will again disappoint their parents by hiring a nurse for them, and will experience condemnation and criticism of others for a “calle and selfish” act.
Is it right for a parent to expect that grown children will put aside all their affairs — careers, children, plans — in order to care for their loved ones? Is it good for the entire family system and genus to support such a regression in the parents? Again, everyone will answer these questions individually.
I have heard real stories more than once when parents changed their minds about becoming bedridden if the children refused to care for them. And they began to move, do business, hobbies — continued to live actively.
The current state of medicine practically saves us from the difficult choice of what to do in the case when the body is still alive, and the brain is already little capable of prolonging the life of a loved one in a coma? But we can find ourselves in a similar situation when we find ourselves in the role of children of an elderly parent or when we ourselves have grown old.
As long as we are alive and capable, we must be responsible for what this life stage will be like.
It is not customary for us to say, and even more so to fix our will, whether we want to give the opportunity to close people to manage our lives — most often these are children and spouses — when we ourselves can no longer make a decision. Our relatives do not always have time to order the funeral procedure, write a will. And then the burden of these difficult decisions falls on the shoulders of those who remain. It is not always easy to determine: what would be the best for our loved one.
Old age, helplessness and death are topics that are not customary to touch on in a conversation. Often, doctors do not tell the terminally ill the truth, relatives are forced to painfully lie and pretend to be optimistic, depriving a close and dear person of the right to dispose of the last months or days of his life.
Even at the bedside of a dying person, it is customary to cheer up and “hope for the best.” But how in this case to know about the last will? How to prepare for leaving, say goodbye and have time to say important words?
Why, if — or while — the mind is preserved, a person cannot dispose of the forces that he has left? Cultural feature? Immaturity of the psyche?
It seems to me that old age is just a part of life. No less important than the previous one. And while we are alive and capable, we must be responsible for what this life stage will be like. Not our children, but ourselves.
The readiness to be responsible for one’s life to the end allows, it seems to me, not only to somehow plan one’s old age, prepare for it and maintain dignity, but also to remain a model and example for one’s children until the end of one’s life, not only how to live and how to grow old but also how to die.