Interview with Gabrielle Rubin on prohibitions in child development
Ndị nne na nna : According to you, the prohibition builds thought and allows the child to create. What is the prohibition?
Gabrielle Rubin : These are all prohibited. Those dictated by society and all the famous “You must not do this”, “You must not throw your porridge on the ground”, “I forbid you to fight at school”. It’s simple: when you forbid someone to do something, and in particular a child, they only want one thing… and that is to find a way to go and see what is going on behind it. This is the theme of the tale of Bluebeard, whose wife pushes the door of the castle that she must not open!
P. : When we impose prohibitions, don’t we risk blocking our curiosity, our desire to learn?
GR : On the contrary. Now we tell children everything, even toddlers. Including info on sexuality. But the mystery also develops intelligence. Take the example of a young child who learns that he will soon have a baby brother. He will ask himself questions about “how do we make babies”. If, instead of telling everything, we answer that the explanation is not for now, that he is too young, he seeks and makes assumptions, often false and even eccentric. But, little by little, over time, it happens on its own to something that looks like the real thing. This is called the “trial and error” method, which is the basis of all science, of all scientific discoveries. And that’s what the child does: he tries, he sees that it doesn’t work very well, he tries another way.
P. : Are there some prohibitions that are more “intelligent” than others?
GR : It is important to put in the minds of children and parents that prohibitions are essential to set limits. While the current trend is rather to erase them. But of course, if a ban is unfair or absurd, it can have harmful effects. There are indeed terrible prohibitions, and psychoanalysis serves to cancel their effects! Thus, telling a child that he will not have the right to do such or such a job or that he is too stupid to go to school, will slow down his good development. And when, as an adult, we do a psychoanalysis, we start by asking ourselves why I am like that, why, for example, I vegetate below my possibilities, why I have not found the spouse who corresponds to me. We ask ourselves questions that bring us back to these harmful prohibitions.
P. : Today’s society seems to be moving towards the rejection of prohibitions in education. Why ?
GR : The rejection of prohibitions finds one of its sources in the current rejection of paternal authority. This is badly experienced and badly received by society. Parents feel guilty when they use a little firmness. Let us be clear: by authority, it is not a question of mistreating the child. But to set clear limits between what is allowed and what is not. Parents no longer dare. The tendency is “Poor darling, we traumatize him.” ” On the contrary ! We make him smart. And in addition, we reassure him. When we don’t know the route to follow, we need an adult to give us direction. Bigger, we can change it if we want!
* Author of “Why the prohibition makes our children intelligent”, ed. Eyrolles.