Growing up, we remain connected by invisible bonds with the closest person — the mother. Someone takes her love and warmth with them on an independent voyage, and someone takes unspoken resentment and pain that make it difficult to trust people and build close relationships with them. Will we feel better if we tell our mother how we feel? Psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova reflects on this.
“Mom was always tough with me, criticized for any mistake,” Olga recalls. — If fours crept into the diary, she said that I would wash the toilets at the station. She constantly compared with other children, made it clear that I could get her good attitude only in exchange for an impeccable result. But in this case, she did not indulge in attention. I don’t remember her ever hugging me, kissing me, trying to somehow cheer me up. She still keeps me feeling guilty: I live with the feeling that I don’t take good care of her. Relations with her turned into a trap in childhood, and this taught me to treat life as a difficult test, to be afraid of joyful moments, to avoid people with whom I feel happy. Perhaps a conversation with her will help to remove this burden from the soul?
Psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova believes that only we ourselves can decide whether to talk to our mother about our feelings. At the same time, you need to remember: after such a conversation, an already strained relationship can become even worse. “We want mom to admit that she was wrong in many ways and turned out to be a bad mother. It can be hard to agree with this. If the situation of unspokenness is painful for you, prepare a conversation in advance or discuss it with a psychologist. Try the third chair technique, which is used in Gestalt therapy: a person imagines that his mother is sitting on a chair, then he moves to that chair and, gradually identifying with her, talks to himself on her behalf. This helps to better understand the other side, its unspoken feelings and experiences, to forgive something and let go of childish grievances.
Let’s analyze two typical negative scenarios of parent-child relationships and how to behave in adulthood, whether it is worth starting a dialogue about the past and what tactics to follow.
«Mother doesn’t hear me»
“When I was eight, my mother left me with my grandmother and went to work in another city,” says Olesya. — She got married, I had a half-brother, but we still lived away from each other. I felt like nobody needed me, I dreamed that my mother would take me away, but I moved in with her only after school, to go to college. This could not compensate for childhood years spent apart. I am afraid that any person with whom we get close will leave me, like a mother once did. I tried to talk to her about it, but she cries and accuses me of selfishness. She says that she was forced to leave where there is work, for the sake of my own future.
“If the mother is unable to conduct a dialogue, there is no point in continuing to discuss topics that concern you with her,” says the psychotherapist. “You still won’t be heard, and the feeling of rejection will only get worse.” This does not mean that children’s problems should remain unresolved — it is important to work them out with a professional. But it is impossible to remake an elderly person who is becoming more and more closed.
“Mother denigrates me in the eyes of relatives”
“My father, who is no longer alive, was cruel to me and my brother, he could raise a hand against us,” recalls Arina. — The mother was silent at first, and then she took his side, believing that he was right. When one day I tried to protect my little brother from my father, she slapped me. As a punishment, she could not talk to me for months. Now our relationship is still cold. She tells all the relatives that I am an ungrateful daughter. I want to talk to her about everything that I experienced as a child. Memories of the cruelty of my parents haunt me.”
“A sadistic mother is the only case when grown-up children should say everything to her face, sparing no feelings,” the psychologist believes. — If, growing up, the child forgives the mother and, despite the experience, treats her well, a feeling of guilt arises in her. This feeling is unpleasant, and the defense mechanism pushes to denigrate children and make them guilty. She begins to tell everyone about their heartlessness and depravity, complains and exposes herself as a victim. If you treat such a mother kindly, she will treat you worse because of guilt. And vice versa: your rigidity and directness will outline the boundaries of what is permissible for her. Warm communication with a mother who behaved sadistically, most likely, will not work. You need to talk about your feelings directly and not hope to build friendships.