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We are being repulsed. They don’t appreciate it. Whispering behind your back. High sensitivity to rejection is the result of a difficult childhood experience. In adulthood, this trait interferes with building relationships and causes suffering. Publisher Peg Streep has spent a lot of time researching the problem and shares tips on how to keep a cool head in trigger situations.
Rejection is always an unpleasant experience. No one likes to be rejected or rejected. But there are people who are especially sensitive to such situations. Publicist Peg Streep explains why.
Reminiscing about her childhood, she writes about a toxic relationship with her mother, who dismissively called her «too sensitive» every time the girl objected to something humiliating or unpleasant. Streep later realized that this was the mother’s way of blaming the victim and justifying her own abusive behavior. But there are indeed people among us who are especially sensitive to rejection.
On the empty place
According to Peg Streep, we are talking about people with an anxious type of attachment, who are constantly on the alert and ready to recognize the signs of rejection. Such people are not only easily disturbed by the slightest hint of him — they can see him even where he is not. “Imagine: you are in the office and you go to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. Finding colleagues chatting there, you immediately decide that you are the subject of their discussion. Familiar?
Or, for example, you see a friend on the street, wave to him, but he passes by you without noticing. What do you think — that the person is too immersed in his thoughts or that he intentionally offended you? Do you feel rejected if people you know make plans and don’t invite you along, even if you’re not really interested in joining them? Does it bother you that your friends invited someone to the party first, before you?”
Such people readily consider themselves rejected for one reason or another or for no reason.
In anxious expectation of rejection
Our «biological security system» provided us with the ability to read faces and recognize the emotions of our fellow tribesmen. This helps to distinguish friend from foe and trigger a defensive fight-or-flight response at the right time. A few years ago, using the MRI technique, Lisa J. Berklund and her colleagues found that people with a high sensitivity to rejection showed a more nervous reaction to facial expressions of disapproval. This means that their watchful waiting takes place at the physical level.
Relationships are like steeplechase
Anxious vigilance complicates social interactions, sometimes making them really difficult. Hearing a firm or loud «no» to their request for help or a favor, such people experience a real storm of feelings. There is «emotional turbulence», especially in close relationships. Research by Geraldine Downey and others has confirmed that, ironically, it is precisely these anxious responses to perceived rejection that can, over time, cause a partner to leave a relationship.
Peg Streep quotes a fragment of an interview with a man who tells how difficult it was to be in such a relationship: “The main problem was this: no matter How long I assured that everything was in order, it was not enough. If I came home an hour late or didn’t reply to messages, she freaked out. If I was at a meeting and could not answer the call, I took it personally and freaked out again (and even if I knew about this meeting in advance), got angry and blamed me. We had several sessions with a psychotherapist, but in the end she wore me down.”
There are many such stories. A woman who is sensitive to rejection is rarely able to see herself from the outside and soberly assess the situation. Unfortunately, she is more likely to believe in her illusions and fears than in the assurances of her partner.
“Have you noticed that you are worried if the partner does not call back immediately or forgets to write if he promised? Do you constantly think if he has betrayed you and is not cheating? Do you feel this anxiety turning into anger? Streep asks, forcing us to seriously examine our reactions.
Recognize your sensitivity and learn to live with it
Those who know this feature behind them, if possible, should contact a good psychotherapist. In addition, Peg Streep provides some advice for those who don’t want rejection sensitivity and suspicion to turn life into a drama.
1. Try to find the cause of the sensitivity
If you have an anxious attachment type and understand how your family experiences have affected you in the past, it will be easier for you to understand what triggers work in the present.
2. Work on identifying triggers
It is extremely important to find out what situations can increase your sensitivity to rejection. When does this happen more often — when communicating in a group or one on one with someone? What excites you the most? Understanding your typical reactions can help prevent an emotional outburst.
3. Stop. Look. Listen
Streep writes that this technique was taught to her by a therapist many years ago when she needed to deal with overreactivity. The methodology is as follows:
- Stay. As soon as you start to feel that emotions are building up, you need to give your mind a time-out. If possible, physically withdraw from the triggering situation or confrontation.
- Look. Try to assess the situation from the outside and ask yourself if you are reacting reasonably or exaggeratedly.
- Listen. It is important to hear your own thoughts and words spoken by another person in order to make sure that you understand them correctly and respond appropriately.
“Rejection sensitivity pervades all your interactions and relationships, but it can be dealt with with effort,” concludes Peg Streep. And if as a result of this difficult work you can achieve peace with yourself and build healthy, happy and resourceful relationships, then this work will not be in vain.
About the author: Peg Streep is a publicist and author of 11 books on family relationships, including The Unloved Daughter. How to leave a traumatic relationship with your mother behind and start a new life.