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Overprotective parents: what impact on children?
“My daughter keeps having fits, yet I feel like I’m giving her everything, I don’t understand. “We have programmed a lot of activities for him this year, but he looks depressed, why? We read dozens and dozens of these kinds of testimonials on discussion forums and social networks. Parents who express their concern for their offspring that they nevertheless feel they are fulfilling. Anxious, exhausted mothers who are about to explode.
What funny times are we living in? Parents today are under pressure from society which forces them to be successful in all areas. They feel obligated to be the best at their job and want to be exemplary parents. The fear of doing wrong, of being judged by others paralyzes them. Unconsciously, they project all their hopes of success onto their children. But they are running out of time. So, consumed by the guilt of not seeing enough of their offspring, they strive to respond and anticipate their slightest impulses and whims. Miscalculation…
Children who no longer have time to breathe
Liliane Holstein has observed this phenomenon for many years in her psychoanalysis practice where she receives parents and children in disarray. “Parents today are overwhelmed. They think they are doing well in meeting all the supposed needs of their children, but in reality they are wrong. By overprotecting their children, they weaken them more than anything else. “ For the psychoanalyst, children no longer have time to dream about what could please them since their desires are immediately fulfilled and even sometimes anticipated. “When someone does everything for you, you are not ready to face failure or even simple difficulty,” continues the specialist. Children do not know that it is possible to fail and find themselves lost. They must be prepared from an early age. The toddler who throws an object on the ground tests the adult. He must understand that whatever he does, the parent will not always be there to pick up. The more we get the child used to dealing with frustrations, the more we help him become independent. You can’t imagine the pleasure a toddler takes when he manages to do something on his own. On the contrary, by assisting him, by projecting his desires and ambitions onto him, we end up oppressing him. Just as it is useless to overstimulate him, to seek at all costs to develop his skills by imposing on him a frantic pace with incessant activities.
Anxiety, depression, anger … the symptoms of discomfort
“I am struck by how tired the children are,” observes Liliane Holstein. The message they are getting across is that they can’t take it anymore. They do not understand this rhythm that is imposed on them and this parental gaze perpetually focused on them. ” The problem is that most of the time parents think they are doing well when they do everything for them or that they occupy every minute of their schedule. When to ask questions Usually, it is the child himself who sounds the alarm bells. “To evacuate his discomfort, he is forced to extreme behavior, underlines the psychoanalyst. He launches a symbolic cry of alert by being depressed, jaded or on the contrary tyrannical with his parents. »In another way, he can present recurrent pain: stomach ache, skin problems, respiratory problems, difficulty falling asleep.
Parents have the keys to break the deadlock
In these situations, it becomes urgent to react. But how do you find the right balance: love, protect your baby without oppressing him, and help him become independent. “Parents have the power to solve a large number of psychological dysfunctions in their children provided that they become aware of the existence of a problem,” explains the psychoanalyst. When they consult, they often quickly understand the anxiety they bring to their families. ” Above all, a small child needs tenderness, which is essential for his balance.. But we must also give him the space and time necessary for him to be able to dream and express his creativity.