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Fists clench, blood rushes to the cheeks, tears come to the eyes, it becomes difficult to breathe … What happened? After all, the remark, because of which all this is happening to us, was seemingly quite innocent, even friendly? And we blame ourselves even more because we can’t explain our reaction. It seems to us that we have no right to such experiences.

But if these reactions are repeated, most likely we are dealing with a malicious manipulator. And often such a manipulator turns out to be a psychopath — a person whose character is characterized by prudence, composure, ruthlessness and a thirst for power over people.

When you hear the word «psychopath», you probably remember Hannibal Lecter or Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy is an American serial killer, kidnapper and necrophile active in the 1970s. The exact number of his victims is unknown. Shortly before his execution, he confessed to 30 murders, but the real number of his victims could be much higher. Twice sentenced to death. In 1989, the sentence was carried out.

But most psychopaths don’t actually commit violence and are not in prison, but among us. It is also highly likely that the average observer will find them extremely altruistic and sweet.

Psychopaths are primarily social predators. They use charm to get what they want from others. There are no exceptions. They equally ruthlessly prey on family members, friends, lovers, colleagues. Use their skills in the field of religion and politics. They change their personality to make it the way they think you might like it. And it works. It may very well be that you find your manipulative psychopath acquaintance empathetic and responsive and have a deep affection for him — as long as he does not need anything from you. And when needed, his behavior will quickly start to drive you crazy.

Here are some of the common phrases you hear from a manipulator trying to undermine your independence. If someone says one or two of them, this does not mean that he is necessarily a psychopath. But such statements should be seen as an occasion to take a closer look at what is happening in your relationship.

1. “You give too much importance to everything”

Of course, there are people who see too many hidden meanings in any situation. There is only one way to find out if manipulation is hidden in this phrase — to assess in retrospect whether your fears were justified.

Manipulators do things on purpose that make you feel paranoid. For example, flirting with an ex on social media in front of everyone. If you ask them about it, they will accuse you of attaching too much importance to the situation. A month later, it turns out that they really cheated on you with the same person. The purpose of the manipulator is to make you doubt your intuition. They constantly give you different hints and make you anxious, in order to later blame you for this very anxiety.

2. «I hate drama»

And yet you will soon find out that there is more drama around them than around anyone you know. Manipulators first put you above everyone else, extolling your remarkably easy nature. But it won’t last long because they get bored with everything. They are pathological liars, serial scammers and perpetual victims. And soon all these qualities begin to surface and lead you into terrible confusion.

Whenever you mention your concern or dissatisfaction, the manipulators will claim that this is the very drama that they hate to make you feel bad for reacting to their ugly behavior. And they don’t want to change their behavior.

3. «You’re too sensitive»

Manipulators «bring» others to emotions — yes, that’s what they do! Having showered you with a waterfall of praise and flattery, they soon stop paying attention to you to see how you react to it. And when you react, they accuse you of being overly sensitive or demanding. They will insult, belittle and criticize you (usually as a joke, teasing), pushing your personal boundaries until you are outraged.

Then they will turn their own provoked backlash against you to make you look crazy. Manipulators are able to make a person defenseless and insecure — for this they only need time.

4. «You misunderstand me»

Of course, mistakes and misunderstandings happen in healthy couples. But manipulators deliberately arrange provocations. And when you react, they twist everything and accuse you (!) of getting it all wrong. Often they even deny having said anything.

This is called «gaslighting» — when they say or do something on purpose, then to accuse others of misunderstanding (or to completely deny that what they said or did took place at all). In fact, you perfectly understood what exactly they said. They are just trying to make you question your sanity.

5. «You’re out of your mind/jealous/drunk/in love with me»

Labeling usually starts when everything is going downhill. From the manipulator’s point of view, all their ex-lovers, colleagues, and friends are insane, jealous, manic-depressive, drunk, or in love with them. It can be quite confusing when they start calling out to the same people that they previously rebuked before you. Then they throw you into the same “crazy” basket, continuing the endless cycle of idealization and devaluation that every unfortunate person who gets in their way falls into.

The only way to get out of this destructive dynamic is to stop all contact. No messages, calls, emails and friendship in social networks. Otherwise, you can be sure that they will do everything possible and impossible to drive you crazy.

The good news is that if a manipulator is trying to make you doubt your intuition, then it is causing him problems. Manipulators try to psychologically destroy anyone who can threaten their illusion of a normal life in the world. So when they start playing «mind games» with you, it’s an indirect compliment to your ability to notice when something is wrong with them.

About the Expert: Jackson McKenzie is the co-founder of Psychopath Free, an online community that supports survivors of dealing with psychopaths and manipulators.