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What is the point of deceiving a person whom you pay based on his attention and help? It’s completely counterproductive, right? However, according to one major study published in Counseling Psychology Quarterly, 93% of clients admit to lying to their therapist at some point. Psychoanalyst Susan Kolod discusses the reasons for such illogical behavior.
1. Shame and fear of judgment
This is the most common reason clients lie to a therapist. By the way, we most often lie to our loved ones for the same reason — because of shame and fear of condemnation. Cheating can involve drug use, sexual or romantic encounters, and other behaviors that the person feels are wrong. Sometimes it refers to strange thoughts and fantasies that he has.
35-year-old Maria was often attracted to unavailable men. She had several exciting encounters with such partners, which did not lead to a real relationship and left a feeling of devastation and disappointment. When Maria entered into an affair with a married man, the therapist expressed his concerns, but Maria took it as a condemnation. Without even realizing what she was doing, she stopped talking about her meetings with this person to the therapist. In the end, omissions surfaced, and Maria and the psychologist were able to work through this problem.
2. Distrust or difficult relationship with the therapist
Working with a psychotherapist awakens very painful feelings and memories. It can be difficult to talk about them to anyone. As you know, one of the basic rules of therapy is «say whatever comes to mind.» But in reality, this is more difficult to do than it seems, especially if the experience of betrayal is behind you and it is difficult to trust people.
Trust must be established between you and the psychologist at an early stage. You must feel that the specialist respects you and is open to criticism. Often the therapeutic relationship becomes emotionally charged. You may realize that you love or even hate your therapist. These strong feelings are difficult to express directly.
If you notice that it is not easy for you to open up, that you do not trust this person, raise this issue at your next consultation! Some time has passed, but the feeling persisted? Then it might be worth looking for a new specialist. The true cause of your problems and the key to their solution will be revealed only in a trusting relationship with the therapist.
3. Lie to yourself
Often the client intends to be truthful, but cannot accept the truth about himself or someone close to him. We all come to therapy with a ready-made idea of ourselves. In the process of work, this picture changes, we begin to notice new circumstances that we may not want to see.
April came to therapy because she had been depressed for months and didn’t know why. Soon she shared with the therapist the details of the relationship with her husband. She complained that he left every evening, returning home late and without any explanation.
One day, April found a used condom in a trash can. When she told her husband about this, he replied that he decided to test a condom from another manufacturer to see if it would fit. April accepted this explanation without question. She told the therapist that she had complete confidence in her husband. Noticing the skeptical look of the specialist, she hastened to convince him again that she did not doubt her husband for a second. It was obvious to the therapist that April’s husband was cheating on her, but she wasn’t ready to admit it to herself—in other words, April was lying to herself.
4. Failure to reconcile the facts and make a connection
Some patients may not be completely truthful, not because they want to hide something, but because they have not worked through past traumas and do not see their impact on life. I call it a failure to put the facts together.
Misha, for example, could not enter into a relationship: he did not trust anyone, he was always on his guard. He did not admit to a psychotherapist that his mother suffered from alcoholism, was unreliable and emotionally unavailable. But he hid it without any intention: he simply did not see any connection between these circumstances.
This is not a lie per se, but a failure to connect the facts and complete the picture. Misha is aware that it is difficult for him to trust anyone, and is also aware that his mother suffered from alcoholism, but carefully separates these circumstances from each other.
Will therapy work if you lie?
Truthfulness is rarely black and white. There are always things in life that we move away from, voluntarily or involuntarily. There are events and circumstances that cause shame, embarrassment, or anxiety that we cannot even admit to ourselves, let alone the therapist.
If you realize that there are certain things that you are not yet ready to discuss, it is advisable to tell a specialist about this. Together you can try to understand why it hurts or is difficult for you to talk about it. At some point, you will probably find yourself able to share this information.
But some problems take time. In April’s case, for example, the truth only came to light after several years of working with a therapist.
If you notice that you are hiding or lying more and more, tell the psychologist about it. Often the very act of bringing up the subject helps to clarify and remove the obstacles that prevent being open.
Isi mmalite: psychologytoday.com