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“Your demands are too high,” say married friends. “Maybe it’s time to lower the bar?” parents are worried. Clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmeyer shares how to identify and deal with unhealthy pickiness in yourself.
Having high standards in your relationships with men is great, especially if you’re past college age. The stakes are rising. You are too busy, there are fewer opportunities to meet new people, there is barely enough time for friends and loved ones. You know what kind of person you need and don’t want to waste time. Girlfriends get married, and it’s pressing — you need to urgently find the right person.
But if you can’t find a pair for a long time and are disappointed with a small selection, it’s worth considering. Ask yourself: maybe you are too picky? Check if this is the case according to the following four criteria.
1. Your requirements for a man are too superficial.
Every woman has a list of mandatory qualities that she is looking for in a man. Such a list helps to find the right person. But the qualities on this list should reflect your values and future goals, not superficial characteristics of a potential partner — how tall he is or what he does for a living. If your list of requirements is not related to personal or cultural values, it is worth revisiting it. Sometimes attraction to a person manifests itself when we get to know him better.
2. You tend to be pessimistic
“A serious relationship will definitely not work. Obviously he doesn’t want to settle down.» Sometimes intuition helps, but more often it’s just an illusion — as if we know how everything will end. In fact, we are not very good at predicting the future, but we easily convince ourselves otherwise. Because of this, we risk rejecting a potential partner with whom everything could work out. If you predict the future based on your social media profile, correspondence, or first date, you are too picky.
3. You are afraid of not being liked.
If you think that a man is too good for you, this is also a variant of pickiness, only the other side of it. It means you are not sure of yourself. First, say no to potential relationships to protect yourself, for fear of getting hurt. But thinking that you are “not smart enough / interesting / attractive” narrows down the circle of potential partners. You are too quick to cross out men with whom you could build a relationship.
4. You find it hard to make decisions
Is it easy for you to order at a new restaurant or make plans for the weekend? How do you make important life decisions: who to work with or where to live? Perhaps your pickiness when choosing a potential partner is due to the inability to choose. In principle, it is difficult for you to decide what you want and make a decision.
In order to get rid of excessive pickiness, use the following tips.
Tip 1: Stop pumping
Dreaming about the future and imagining how the date will end is exciting. This keeps you motivated and optimistic. However, it is easy to overdo it. If you abuse fantasies, you become even more picky. You get frustrated and reject a man just because the conversation didn’t go the way you expected. Unrealistic expectations make it difficult to adequately assess whether a date went well.
Get rid of the painful need to find «the one.» Dating has many other advantages: you have a good evening, find new acquaintances and like-minded people, hone your flirting and small talk skills, visit new places. There is no way to know for sure what will come of it, even if the romantic relationship does not work out, you will expand your network of social contacts. And maybe you’ll meet someone else because of it.
Tip 2: Ask for help
Reach out to the people who know you best: close friends or family members. They’ll explain what you’re picky about and they’ll also advise someone to give it a second chance. Ask for help from someone who wants happiness and knows how to tactfully express his point of view. It is better to discuss in advance: on what issues you need feedback, once or on an ongoing basis. After all, no one likes excessive frankness.
Tip 3: Change your behavior
In search of a couple, everyone chooses their own tactics. Some easily like it, but cannot start or maintain a conversation. Others find it difficult to move from online communication to real meetings. Still others tend to stop talking after one or two dates.
Notice at what point you most often say «no» and try to move on. Write first, offer to talk on the phone, agree to a third date. It’s not about the person you’re talking to. The main thing is to change your model of finicky behavior. When you meet the right person, don’t miss them.
Tip: Don’t Skip Dating
On a date, it’s easy to get caught up in your own thoughts. You imagine the next date or think that it will not be there anymore. It is difficult to recognize another person when you are immersed in yourself. You end up drawing conclusions and predicting the future based on limited or incorrect information. Better delay making a decision. During the meeting, focus on the present. Give the man a chance. One meeting cannot reveal a person completely.
Don’t let the tendency to be picky ruin your personal life. Become a little more flexible and open, then the search for a partner will be more pleasant. When the right person appears on the horizon, you will be ready for it.
About the author: Miriam Kiermeyer is a clinical psychologist.