Where is the line between healthy attraction and objectification? How to understand whether a partner sees in us a living person with all the pluses and minuses, or perceives it as an object, a carrier of one or another feature that excites him? Relationship specialist, psychoanalyst Elisha Perrin has compiled a list of signs that will help you navigate in an incomprehensible relationship.
The problem, about which they began to write relatively recently, was called «objectification» — «objectification». In the context of sexual relations, this means a contact in which one person sees in another not a person, but an “object”, an object for the realization of his own desires. Psychoanalyst Dr. Elisha Perrin has worked with relationship problems for many years and has written an article on how to recognize objectification.
“Recent research suggests that objectification may be associated with sexual coercion in romantic relationships,” she writes. — No wonder. More disturbingly, objectification is also statistically associated with sexual assault. And this, alas, is not surprising either.
So how do you tell the difference between objectification and healthy attraction? What are the warning signs to be especially careful about in a relationship or dating? Obviously, we would all like to enjoy healthy mutual attraction. Dr. Perrin writes about how important it is to be able to separate it from an unhealthy objectification that is full of risk factors.
Immature state of mind
To begin with, the expert suggests understanding what guides a person when he seeks to physically objectify another: «The one who does this is, by definition, in an immature state of mind.» When we are very young, we see the world as made up of many small details. It takes maturity to see how these parts fit together and therefore begin to see people as a whole, in a complex way.
If we are not yet mature, we generally view others as mere «objects» who serve to satisfy a particular need or role of ours at a particular moment. For the early period, when we are not yet able to take care of ourselves, this is a natural stage of growing up.
And yet, healthy development includes respect for others as human beings with their own rights, needs, limitations, good and bad traits. A man or woman who regards another person as an object looks at him solely from the point of view of satisfying his own needs at the moment.
They cannot think of the person as a whole and are therefore incapable of healthy, mature relationships, especially romantic or sexual ones.
How to recognize objectification?
1. In the vast majority of cases, healthy attraction does not tend to focus on a part of the body or a particular appearance, such as this or that clothing. With a healthy attraction, a person can enjoy the beauty of the body or image, but definitely sees the very personality of the partner behind it.
2. Experiencing weakness or a particular addiction to any nuances, a mature person will notice and appreciate them organically in a partner, as part of his image or personality. For example, if a man is “obsessed” with a woman wearing high heels, he may separate this image from her as a person — after all, anyone else can wear such shoes. But, on the other hand, if he compliments her because her love of skiing has created the beautiful shape of her legs, which is so wonderfully visible in high heels — most likely, he appreciates this woman as a person with habits and features that make her personality.
3. A mature person will also speak of other people as individuals. He does not divide the world into black and white and may speak of his boss, family members, or friends as having good and bad traits. The person who objectifies will tend to view others as only «good» or only «bad», giving superficial assessments.
4. Objectivizing people are less capable of empathy than others. The fact is that when we see others in their entirety, we can look at the world through their eyes, notice similarities and differences with us, recognize strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. These abilities determine the ability to sympathize and take the point of view of another person. «If you’re dating someone who doesn’t seem to be able to empathize with you or others, pay closer attention to how they feel about your body,» writes Dr. Perrin. “Perhaps you will notice other signs that you are being objectified.”
5. During objectification, a person may experience special pleasure from contemplation, touching, or a certain kind of sexual activity with any part of the partner’s body. This is different from intimacy with someone who perceives the other completely, and at the level of bodily contact as well. Again, the expert explains, this goes back to the fact that objectification is the satisfaction of an urgent need. Once it is satisfied, the subject’s attention tends to move on to something else, such as his next desire.
When drawing conclusions, it is important to remember: extremes are rare — that is, it almost never happens that a person has all 5 signs or none at all.
“Notice trends in your relationships. And most importantly, pay attention to how you feel in them! When someone objectifies you, you will surely feel that you are less appreciated. Your own pleasure may be superficial or short-lived. You may notice how your attention is distracted from yourself, and your mind is busy guessing how your partner is feeling right now. Because of this, there may be a feeling of greater stiffness and unnaturalness. And perhaps this is due to the fact that you are being objectified, ”concludes Dr. Perrin.
In her opinion, it is important to pay attention to the listed signs in time, because they can become harbingers of much more serious problems in the future.
About the author: Elisha Perrin is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, and author of Body Consciousness. Psychoanalytic study of the body in therapy.