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Divorce is not always a mutual decision: often one of the partners is forced to agree with the desire of the other side to end the relationship. Coach and family lawyer John Butler talks about how to deal with bitter feelings during a breakup.
Do not be guided by resentment
Anger and resentment are sometimes difficult to resist. This is one of the phases of goodbye that you need to go through, but acting on the basis of a desire for revenge on your partner is the worst thing you can do. If you want to call him or write an angry message, put him in an unflattering light in front of relatives or friends, go for a walk, go to the pool or start exercising at home, that is, transform mental energy into physical energy.
If this is not possible, try deep breaths with a breath hold. This makes it possible to calm down and not make mistakes under the influence of overwhelming emotions. A conversation with a psychologist will help you look at the situation more detached and put the accents in a new way. Your aggression will not return your partner, but because of it, it will be more difficult for you to find a common language with him and come to compromises.
Don’t stir up conflict
If quarrels have long become a familiar part of your life, and now your partner is talking about divorce for the first time, try to create a calm atmosphere and start a dialogue. His decision may seem final, but perhaps all he wants is to return the old relationship. Divorce for him is only an opportunity to end conflicts, and deep down he wants something completely different.
Get out of your usual role
Think about how you behave in a situation of quarrel. Often the roles are distributed quite clearly: one partner acts as an accuser, the second tries to defend himself. Sometimes there is a change of roles, but the circle remains closed, which does not contribute to understanding each other and the desire to meet halfway.
Think about what relationships are for.
It happens that we love not so much a partner as marital status, a sense of security and stability that he brings. The other side reads this sensitively, even if we are not aware of our own motivation, and, perhaps, for this reason, moves away.
Think about how boundaries are built in your relationship. Even if the marriage fails, respecting your space and your partner’s territory, his decisions and desires will help you go through the path of separation more easily and build the next relationship in a healthier scenario.
About the Author: John Butler is a family law coach and lawyer.