From childhood, future men are taught to be ashamed of «tender» feelings. As a result, both women and men themselves suffer from this — perhaps even more. How to break this vicious circle?
Women are more emotional than men and are used to talking about their feelings. In turn, men transmit the need for love, intimacy, care and comfort through sexual desire. The patriarchal culture we live in forces men to sublimate their «tender» and «begging» feelings into physical intimacy.
For example, Ivan wants sex because he is depressed and enjoys the comfort he feels in bed with a woman. And Mark dreams about sex when he feels lonely. He is convinced that he will show weakness if he tells others that he is lonely and needs someone near.
On the other hand, he believes that it is perfectly normal to seek physical intimacy that satisfies his need for emotional intimacy.
But what are the underlying emotions behind the desire for sex? When is it just sexual arousal, and when is it a need for affection and communication?
Do not assume that «gentle» emotions are for the weak. They are what make us human.
Most men still believe that they are «allowed» to express freely only two basic emotions — sexual arousal and anger. More «tender» feelings — fear, sadness, love — are strictly controlled.
It is not surprising that «tender» emotions that do not find an outlet cling to the tugboat of sexuality. During sex, men hug, caress, kiss and love under the acceptable guise of a very masculine act — a feat on the sexual front.
In the documentary The Mask You Live In (2015), director Jennifer Siebel tells the story of how boys and young men struggle to keep their selves despite the narrow confines of the American idea of masculinity.
If men and boys learn to manage their entire range of emotions, and not just anger and sexual desire, we will see a significant reduction in rates of anxiety and depression throughout society.
When we block basic emotions (sadness, fear, anger) and the need for intimacy (love, friendship, craving for communication), we become depressed. But depression and anxiety go away as soon as we reconnect to basic emotions.
The first step to well-being is understanding that we all crave intimacy, both sexually and emotionally. And the need for love is as «courageous» as the thirst for power and self-realization. Do not assume that «gentle» emotions are for the weak. They are what make us human.
5 tips to help a man open up
1. Tell him that all people, regardless of gender, experience the same basic emotions — sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy and sexual arousal (yes, women too).
2. Let the man who is important to you know that the need for emotional connection and the desire to share feelings and thoughts are not alien to each of us.
3. Invite him to share his feelings with you and emphasize that you don’t judge his feelings or see them as weakness.
4. Do not forget that people are very complex. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and it’s important to consider them.
5. Recommend him to watch the movie The Mask You Live In.
Author: Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a psychotherapist, New York Times columnist, and consultant on Mad Men (2007-2015).