Onye òtù ọlụlụ gị ọ na-ewute gị? Ọ na-eti gị mkpu, kparị gị? Ọ bụrụ otu a, o yikarịrị ka ị garala ọgwụgwọ di na nwunye mbụ. Ma eleghị anya, ọ bụ naanị ka ọ ka njọ n'ebe ezinụlọ unu nọ. Gịnị mere o ji eme?
N'ịbụ ndị chere mmegide mmetụta uche ihu n'ime ezinụlọ anyị, anyị na-agbalị n'ụzọ ọ bụla ime ka ịdị adị anyị dịkwuo mfe. Ndị mmekọ na-ata ahụhụ site n'aka di ma ọ bụ nwunye na-atụkarị aro ka onye òtù ọlụlụ ha gakwuru onye ọkà n'akparamàgwà mmadụ ọnụ. Ma ọtụtụ ndị na-enwe nkụda mmụọ n'ihi na ọ bụ n'ime ezinụlọ ndị na-eme ihe ike ka ụfọdụ usoro ndị na-agwọ ọrịa adịghị arụ ọrụ. Gịnị mere o ji dị otú ahụ?
Onye ọkà n'akparamàgwà mmadụ, ọkachamara na ime ihe ike n'ụlọ Stephen Stosny ji n'aka na isi ihe dị na njirimara onwe onye nke ndị bịara maka enyemaka.
Enweghị njikwa enweghị ọganihu
Ndị di na nwunye na-enye ndụmọdụ na-eche na ndị sonyere na usoro a nwere nkà nke ịchịkwa onwe ha. Ya bụ, akụkụ abụọ ahụ nwere ike ịchịkwa mmetụta nke obi amamikpe na ihere nke na-egosipụta onwe ha n'ụzọ a na-apụghị izere ezere na usoro ọgwụgwọ, ma ghara ibugharị ụta maka ùgwù onwe ha merụrụ ahụ na nke ọzọ. Ma n'ime mmekọrịta jupụtara na mmetọ mmetụta uche, opekata mpe otu onye ọlụlụ enweghị ike ijide onwe ya nke ọma. Ya mere, iso ndị di na nwunye na-arụkọ ọrụ na-enwekarị nkụda mmụọ ndị na-arịọ maka enyemaka: ọ naghị enyere aka ma ọ bụrụ na emezughị ọnọdụ ndị dị mkpa.
Ndị ọkà n’akparamàgwà mmadụ enwewo ihe ọchị ochie banyere ọgwụgwọ ndị di na nwunye: “N’akụkụ ụlọ ọrụ ọ bụla, e nwere akara breeki nke di nke dọkpụrụ n’ime ọgwụgwọ.” Dị ka ọnụ ọgụgụ si kwuo, ndị ikom na-enwekarị ugboro 10 karịa ụmụ nwanyị ịjụ ọgwụgwọ, onye edemede ahụ kwuru. Ma nke ahụ bụ ya mere ndị na-agwọ ọrịa na-eji nlezianya na-elebara ndị di anya karịa ndị nwunye, na-agbalị ime ka ha nwee mmasị na usoro ahụ.
Ka anyị nye ihe atụ nke nnọkọ otu nwunye bịara na di ya, bụ́ onye kwere onwe ya ịkparị ya.
Therapist — wife:
“Echere m na di gị na-ewe iwe ma ọ dị ya ka a na-ekpe ya ikpe.
Di:
— It’s right. She literally blames me for everything!
Di na-anabata mgbalị onye ya na ya na-eme, onye na-agwọ ọrịa na-enyekwara ya aka igbochi mmetụta mmetụta uche ya. N'ụlọ, n'ezie, ihe niile ga-alaghachi na nkịtị
Therapist — wife:
Anaghị m ekwu na ị na-ama ya ikpe. M pụtara, ọ dị ya ka a na-ekpe ya ikpe. Ikekwe ọ bụrụ na ị gwa di gị arịrịọ ahụ ka ọ ghara ịdị di gị ka ị na-ekpe ya ikpe, mmeghachi omume ya ga-adị mma karị.
Nwunye:
— But how can I do it?
— I noticed that when you ask him about something, you focus on exactly what he is doing wrong. You also use the word «you» a lot. I suggest you rephrase: “Darling, I wish we could talk for five minutes when we get home. Just to talk to each other about how the day went, because when we do that, both of them are in a better mood and no one is screaming.” (to husband): Would you feel condemned if she spoke to you like that?
— Not at all. But I doubt she can change her tone. She doesn’t know how to communicate differently!
Ị nwere ike ịgwa di gị okwu n'atụghị egwu?
Achọghị m ikpe gị ikpe, naanị m chọrọ ka ị ghọta…
Onye na-agwọ ọrịa:
— Why don’t you repeat this phrase for fidelity a few more times?
N'ịbụ ndị na-enweghị nkà nke ịchịkwa onwe ya, di ahụ na-enyefe ya ọrụ nile ozugbo ka ọ ghara inwe mmetụta na-ezighị ezi.
Ya mere, ọ na-apụta na nsogbu ugbu a abụghị ma ọlị erughị eru nke di ma ọ bụ ọchịchọ ya ime ihe ike n'ụzọ mmetụta uche. Atụgharịrị n'ezie nsogbu bụ ụda olu nke nwunye!
Di na-anabata mgbalị onye ya na ya na-eme, onye na-agwọ ọrịa na-enyekwara ya aka igbochi mmetụta mmetụta uche ya. N'ụlọ, n'ezie, ihe niile ga-alaghachi na nkịtị….
In less «explosive» relationships, this kind of advice from the therapist might be helpful. If the husband were able to control his emotional manifestations and question the feeling that he is always right, he could appreciate the efforts of the wife, who reformulated her requests. Perhaps he would show more empathy in response.
Ma n'ezie, mmekọrịta ha jupụtara na ime ihe ike. N’ihi ya, obi na-ama di di n’ihi na nwunye ahụ gbalịkwuru ime ka obi dajụọ ya. N'ịbụ onye na-enweghị nkà nke ịchịkwa onwe ya, ọ na-ebufe ọrụ niile ozugbo n'aka ya ka ọ ghara iche na ọ dị njọ. Ọ bụ nwunye ya gwara ya okwu n'ụzọ na-ezighị ezi, ọ na-eji ụda ebubo ebubo, na n'ozuzu ọ gbalịrị ime ka ọ dị njọ n'anya onye na-agwọ ọrịa. Na ihe ndị ọzọ na ndị ọzọ. Ma olee ebe ọrụ di?
Ọtụtụ mgbe ndị mmadụ na-enwekarị mmekpa ahụ nke mmetụta uche na-azọrọ ndị mmekọ ha ugbua n'ụzọ nke ụlọ ọrụ therapist. Ha na-akparị di na nwunye ahụ maka iwelite isiokwu ndị na-eyi egwu ma ọ bụ ihe ihere na nnọkọ ahụ.
Akpọchiri oke oke?
Psychologists often recommend that women married to emotionally abusive partners learn to set boundaries. They give advice like this: “You need to learn how to get your message heard. Learn to say, «I won’t tolerate this behavior anymore.» The person being bullied needs to be able to set boundaries that really mean something to their partner.”
Were ya na ị gbara akwụkwọ n'ụlọikpe megide ndị na-emebi ihe ndị gbara ụgbọ ala gị ite. Onye ọka ikpe ahụ na-ekwu, sị: "A kagburu nkwupụta ahụ n'ihi na ọ dịghị akara n'akụkụ ụgbọ ala gị" Agbala ụgbọ ala ahụ!". Ndụmọdụ gbasara oke bụ n'ezie usoro ọgwụgwọ ya na omume a.
M na-eche ma ndị na-ahụ maka ọgwụgwọ na-enye ndụmọdụ dị ka osisi a na-ekwu, "Ezula ohi!" bara uru n'ụlọ ọrụ gị?
Naanị site n'itinye ụkpụrụ nke gị n'ime ịdị adị kwa ụbọchị, ị nwere ike ịnọgide n'onwe gị wee welie mkpa gị.
Na-ahapụkwa arụmụka rụrụ arụ na nke na-edoghị anya na a na-emegbu ndị mmadụ n'ihi na ha etinyeghị oke ókè. Ụdị echiche a na-atụfu kpamkpam àgwà àgwà nke onye ọzọ. Ngosipụta iwe, mkparị na okwu ọjọọ sitere n'aka onye òtù ọlụlụ gị enweghị ihe jikọrọ ya na ma ị maara ka esi edobe oke ma ọ bụ na ị maghị. Yana maka isiokwu nke esemokwu gị. Onye mmekọ nke na-eme ụdị mmetọ ọ bụla nwere nnukwu nsogbu ịghọta ụkpụrụ ụmụ mmadụ miri emi, ka Stephen Stosny na-ekwu.
Ọkachamara ọkà n'akparamàgwà mmadụ na-atụ aro ichebe onwe gị ọ bụghị site n'itinye ókèala nke onye ọlụlụ na-agaghị asọpụrụ na agbanyeghị. Naanị site n'itinye ụkpụrụ nke onwe gị n'ime ịdị adị kwa ụbọchị, na-eme ka ha bụrụ akụkụ nke eziokwu, ị nwere ike ịnọgide n'onwe gị ma nwekwuo mkpa gị. Na nke mbụ, ịkwesịrị ịhapụ echiche gbagọrọ agbagọ nke onwe gị nke onye gị na ya na-eme ihe ike na-agbalị ịmanye gị. Nkwenye siri ike na ị bụ gị na ị bụghị ma ọlị ihe ọ na-agbalị inye gị ga-enyere aka ịchọta ụzọ ziri ezi.
Ọ bụrụ na ị nwere ike ịnwe mmeghachi omume mmetụta uche mbụ nke na-eme na nzaghachi mkpasu iwe nke onye òtù ọlụlụ gị, mgbe ahụ ị ga-enyere onwe gị aka ịghọ onwe gị. Ị ga-abụ onye ị bụ tupu mmekọrịta gị na onye òtù ọlụlụ gị agbawa. Naanị mgbe ahụ ka ọkara nke ọzọ ga-aghọta na ị ga-agbanwe àgwà gị n'ebe ị nọ. Ọ dịghịkwa ụzọ ọzọ isi nọgide na-enwe mmekọrịta.
Banyere onye edemede: Steven Stosney bụ ọkà n'akparamàgwà mmadụ nke na-ahụ maka ime ihe ike n'ụlọ.