Achọrọ m ịsị "ee e", mana dịka a ga-asị na ọ bụ n'onwe ya ọ na-apụta "ee". Ọnọdụ amaara ama? Ọtụtụ ndị ezutewo ya. Anyị na-ekweta mgbe anyị chọrọ ịjụ, n'ihi na anyị amaghị otú e si chebe onwe ohere.
What is it — politeness, good breeding or bad boundaries? A second cousin with his family arrived without warning … At a party, you have to eat tasteless aspic, on your long-awaited vacation — to help friends with repairs … “The reason for the inability to refuse is our need for acceptance, approval or involvement,” says medical psychologist Andrey Chetverikov. To one degree or another, we all depend on the approval of significant others and feel the need to belong to a group. The less personal maturity we have, the more difficult it is to separate our desires from the demands of society.
Example: a child is waiting for parental approval, but does not want to make music (become a doctor, lawyer, start a family). Until he learns to approve himself, he is doomed to fulfill «another’s order» and say «yes» where he wanted to say «no».
Another class of situations in which we do not say «no» involves the calculation of some benefit. “This is a kind of trade in consent in order to obtain preferences,” the psychologist continues. — Agree to work on a day off (although I don’t want to) in order to prove myself, get a bonus or a day off … The calculation does not always come true, and we “suddenly” realize that we are sacrificing something, but we receive nothing in return. Or we get it, but not in the volume and quality that we expected. Subjectively, this is also experienced as “agreement against the will”, although in reality we are talking about unjustified or unrealistic expectations.”
Ị nwere ike ịtụle nke a dị ka ụzọ isi mara eziokwu site na ikpe na njehie. Isi ihe abụghị ịmegharị mmejọ ndị a.
By agreeing when we would like to refuse, we are trying to get away from the conflict, to look “good” in the eyes of the interlocutor — but instead we get only an increase in internal tension. The only way to really strengthen your position is to respect yourself, your own needs and boundaries. By giving up our needs, we give up ourselves, and as a result, we waste time and energy without gaining anything.
Gịnị mere anyị ji sị ee?
Anyị chọpụtara ihe na-eme ma anyị kwekọrịta n'ụzọ megidere ọchịchọ anyị. Ma gịnị mere nke a ọbụna na-eme? E nwere isi ihe isii kpatara ya, ha niile nwekwara njikọ.
1. Echiche ọha mmadụ. Nne na nna anyị kụziiri anyị ịkpa àgwà ọma. Karịsịa ya na ndị okenye, ndị na-eto eto, na ndị ikwu… ee, na ihe fọrọ nke nta ka ọ bụrụ onye ọ bụla. Mgbe a jụrụ ya, ọ bụ omume rụrụ arụ ịjụ.
“Omenala, ụdị omume ndị a nakweere na ụkpụrụ omume ndị a na-amụta na-eme na-eme ka o siere anyị ike ịjụ,” ka ọkà n’akparamàgwà mmadụ, bụ́ onye nkụzi bụ́ Ksenia Shiryaeva, na-ekwu, “tinyekwara mmekọrịta ndị na-adịte aka. Ibi ndụ kwekọrọ n'ihe ọha mmadụ ma ọ bụ onye dị anyị mkpa karịsịa na-atụ anya ya bụ àgwà ebumpụta ụwa, ọ kwesịkwara mgbalị ụfọdụ iji merie ya.
Ịdị mma pụtara ikike iji nkwanye ùgwù na-ekwurịta okwu na ndị ọzọ, ịdị njikere imebi na ige ntị n'echiche ndị dị iche na nke anyị. Ọ pụtaghị ileghara ọdịmma nke onwe ya anya.
2. Ikpe. N'otu oge ahụ, anyị na-eche na ịsị onye anyị hụrụ n'anya "ee e" dị ka ịsị "Ahụghị m gị n'anya." A pụrụ inwe àgwà dị otú ahụ ma ọ bụrụ na, n'oge ha bụ ụmụaka, ndị nne na nna gbalịsiri ike hụ na ha nwere nkụda mmụọ ma ọ bụ iwe iwe n'ihi mmetụta uche ma ọ bụ igosipụta mkpa anyị. N'ime afọ ndị gafeworonụ, a na-amanye mmetụta nke obi amamikpe n'ime ndị amaghị ihe ọ bụla, mana ọ naghị ada mbà.
3. The need to look «good». For many, a positive image of themselves is important — both in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. In order to maintain this image, we are ready to give up a lot of really important things.
“If we are forced into agreement by irrational attitudes: “I must always help”, “I must be good”, then our attention is completely directed outward,” continues the psychologist-educator. We do not seem to exist on our own — but only in the eyes of others. In this case, our self-esteem and self-image depend entirely on their approval. As a result, you have to act in the interests of others, and not in your own interests, in order to maintain a positive image of yourself.
4. Mkpa nnabata. Ọ bụrụ na ndị nne na nna site na nwata na-eme ka o doo nwa ahụ anya na ha dị njikere ịhụ ya n'anya n'ọnọdụ ụfọdụ, mgbe ahụ, onye toro eto nke na-atụ egwu ịjụ ga-esi na ya pụta. Ụjọ a na-eme ka anyị na-achụ ọchịchọ anyị, ka a ghara ewepụ ya n'ìgwè ahụ, ọ bụghị ehichapụ na ndụ: mmepe dị otú ahụ nke ihe omume dị ka ọdachi, ọ bụrụgodị na ọ dịghị ihe dị egwu n'ezie.
5. Egwu esemokwu. We are afraid that if we declare our disagreement with others, such a position will become a declaration of war. This phobia, like many others, arises if the parents reacted sharply to our disagreement with them. “Sometimes the fact is that we ourselves do not understand the reason for the refusal — and it is impossible to explain to another, which means that it is difficult to withstand the subsequent onslaught of questions and insults,” explains Ksenia Shiryaeva. “And here, first of all, a sufficient level of reflection is needed, an understanding of one’s resources and needs, desires and opportunities, fears and aspirations – and, of course, the ability to express them in words, to declare them out loud.”
6. Ihe isi ike ime mkpebi. N'ime obi nke omume a bụ egwu nke imehie ihe, ime nhọrọ na-ezighị ezi. Ọ na-amanye anyị ịkwado ụzọ onye ọzọ, kama iji gboo mkpa anyị.
Otu esi amụta ịjụ
Enweghị ike ịjụ, n'agbanyeghị otú ihe kpatara ya na ihe si na ya pụta, bụ nanị enweghị nkà. A pụrụ inweta nkà, ya bụ, ịmụta. Na usoro nke ọ bụla ọzọ na ọzụzụ a ga-agbakwunye na obi ike onwe anyị na ùgwù onwe onye.
1. Nye onwe gị oge. Ọ bụrụ na ị maghị azịza gị, gwa onye nke ọzọ ka o nye gị oge iche echiche. Nke a ga-enyere gị aka ịtụle ọchịchọ nke onwe gị wee mee mkpebi doro anya.
2. Emela ihe ngọpụ. Na nkenke na ịkọwapụta ihe kpatara ọjụjụ ahụ bụ otu ihe. Iju onye na-ekwurịta okwu ọnụ na nkọwa okwu ọnụ na ịrịọ mgbaghara bụ ihe ọzọ. Nke ikpeazụ agaghị enyere gị aka ịkwanyere gị ùgwù, ma yikarịrị ka ọ ga-ebute iwe na onye na-emekọrịta ihe. Ọ bụrụ na ị chọrọ ịsị “ee e” ma nọgide na-enwe nkwanye ùgwù onwe onye n’otu oge ahụ, egbula okwu mgbe ị sịrị mba. Mgbaghara Neurotic na-emebi mmekọrịta karịa njụjụ dị jụụ na nkwanye ùgwù.
3. Ọ bụrụ na ị na-atụ egwu imejọ onye na-ekwu okwu, kwuo ya. Just like this: «I would hate to offend you, but I have to refuse.» Or: “I hate to say this, but no.” Your fear of rejection is also an emotion that should not be forgotten. In addition, these words will smooth out the harshness of the refusal if the interlocutor is touchy.
4. Agbalịla ime ka ajụrụ gị kwụsị. Attempts to compensate for the refusal are a manifestation of unconscious fears. By refusing to fulfill someone’s request, you are not indebted to him, therefore, he has nothing to compensate you. Remember: your right to say «no» is legal.
5. Omume. N'ihu enyo, ya na ndị ị hụrụ n'anya, na ụlọ ahịa na ụlọ oriri na ọṅụṅụ. Dịka ọmụmaatụ, mgbe onye nlekọta na-enye ohere ịnwale ihe eji megharịa ọnụ, naanị ị na-abata maka kọfị. Ma ọ bụ onye ndụmọdụ na ụlọ ahịa na-atụ aro ihe na-adabaghị gị. Ọzụzụ dị mkpa iji mara ọjụjụ ahụ, icheta mmetụta a, ịghọta na mgbe "mba" gị gasịrị, ọ dịghị ihe dị egwu ga-eme.
6. Ekwela ka ekweta. Ikekwe onye na-emekọrịta ihe ga-anwa ime ka ị kwenye. Mgbe ahụ, cheta mmebi nke ị ga-enweta site n'ịkwekọrịta, ma kwụsie ike.
Jụọ onwe gị ajụjụ:
— What do I really want? You may need time to sort this out. If so, do not hesitate to ask for a delay in the decision (see point 1).
— What am I afraid of? Try to figure out what kind of fear is preventing you from giving up. By defining it, you can more accurately place emphasis on your needs.
— What will be the consequences? Calmly evaluate: How long time and effort will you lose if you agree? What emotions will you experience? And vice versa: what will be the consequences in case of refusal? Perhaps you will win not only in time, but also in self-esteem.