ọdịnaya
Each of us experiences an existential need for intimacy with another person — and necessarily mutual. But when love leaves a relationship, we suffer and … often stay together, finding more and more reasons not to change anything. The fear of change and uncertainty is so great that it seems to us: it is better to leave everything as it is. How do we justify this decision to ourselves? Psychotherapist Anna Devyatka analyzes the most common excuses.
1. «He loves me»
Such an excuse, however strange it may seem, actually satisfies the need for security of the one who is loved. It seems that we are behind a stone wall, that everything is calm and reliable, which means that we can relax. But this is not too fair in relation to the one who loves, because his feeling is not mutual. In addition, over time, irritation and a negative attitude can be added to emotional indifference, and as a result, the relationship will no longer bring pleasure not only to you, but also to your partner.
In addition, it is worth distinguishing «he loves me» from «he says he loves me.» It happens that a partner is limited to words alone, but in fact violates agreements, disappears without warning, and so on. In this case, even if he loves you, how exactly? How’s your sister? As a person who will definitely accept and support?
It is important to understand what exactly is happening in your relationship and whether it is worth continuing, or whether they have long become a fiction.
2. “Everyone lives like this, and I can”
Over the past decades, the institution of the family has changed, but we still have a strong attitude that was formed in the post-war years. Then love was not so important: it was necessary to form a couple, because it was accepted that way. Of course, there were those who married for love and carried this feeling through the years, but this is rather an exception to the rule.
Now everything is different, the attitudes “you must definitely get married and give birth before 25” or “a man should not be happy, but should do everything for the family, forgetting about his hobbies” are becoming a thing of the past. We want to be happy, and this is our right. So it’s time to replace the excuse “everyone lives like this, and I can” with the installation “I want to be happy and I will do everything for this; if I am unhappy in this relationship, then I will definitely be in the next.
3. «The relatives will be upset if we part»
For the older generation, marriage is a guarantee of stability and security. A change in status is unlikely to please them, but this does not mean that you should stay with an unloved person and suffer from it. If your parents’ opinion is important to you and you don’t want to upset them, talk to them, explain that your current relationship makes you suffer instead of enjoying life.
4. “I can’t imagine how to live alone”
For those who are used to living in a couple, this is a weighty argument — especially if a person does not fully feel the boundaries of his «I», cannot answer himself the questions of who he is and what he is capable of on his own. Such an excuse is a signal that you have disappeared into a couple, and, of course, you need to be prepared for the fact that a sharp exit from a relationship will be very painful. It is necessary to carry out preparatory psychological work and learn to rely on your own internal resources.
5. «The child will grow up without a father»
Until recently, a child raised by a divorced mother evoked sympathy, and his «unlucky» parents — condemnation. Today, many recognize that the absence of one of the parents in some cases is the best way out than mutual disrespect and eternal disassembly in front of the child.
Behind each of the above excuses lie certain fears — for example, loneliness, uselessness, defenselessness. It is important to honestly answer yourself the question of whether you are ready to continue to live with a growing sense of dissatisfaction. Everyone chooses which way to go: try to build relationships or end them.