Woman’s Day will tell you how to find a common language with your child.
July 8 2015
Experts identify several age crises in children: 1 year, 3-4 years, 6-7 years. But the greatest difficulties in communicating with a child are experienced by parents during the so-called adolescent crisis – from 10 to 15 years. During this period, the maturing personality often lacks inner harmony and understanding of oneself, including due to the riot of hormones. Anxiety builds up, because of which he can become secretive, withdrawn, or, on the contrary, overly emotional and aggressive. What to do in conflict situations and how to correctly respond to the child’s behavior, we figure it out together with family psychologist Elena Shamova.
10 year old boy watching cartoon, resting after school. We agreed that he would sit down for lessons in an hour. Time passed, the mother invited the boy to the desk – no reaction, the second time – again no, the third time she came up and turned off the TV. The son reacted violently: he was rude, said that his parents did not like him, and swung at his mother.
Here the power struggle between parent and child is drawn as a red line. Mom tries by all means to gain the upper hand over the teenager, to do it his own way, the boy resists and, finding no other arguments, begins to use verbal aggression (to be rude). Rudeness in this case is his defensive reaction, an attempt to stop the suppression of his own desire. For a mother, instead of demonstrating her superiority, it would be much more effective to contact her son in a friendly way and warn him in advance: “Dear, let’s put the cartoon on pause in 10 minutes, we will work out, and then you will continue to watch.”
An 11-year-old child ate lunch and did not clear up after himself from the table. Mom reminds him of this once, twice, three … Then he breaks down and begins to scold. The boy breaks down, speaks to her words: “This is bullshit.”
Avoid counterclaiming the problem. And no punishment! They can serve as an excuse for the child for subsequent aggression. Do not leave the last word for yourself at all costs. It is important for you to decide that it is you who will put an end to the war (confrontation) and that you will be the first to stop taking out the resentment. If you choose peace, then mentally list five basic qualities for which you love your child. It is difficult to recall such qualities of a person with whom you are angry, but it is necessary – this will change your negative attitude towards him.
My daughter is in the 7th grade. Recently, she began to miss classes, there were two marks in physics. The persuasions to rectify the situation did not lead to anything. Then my mother decides to take an extreme measure – to forbid her to study in the tourism section. To this, the girl said to her mother in a defiant tone: “Although you are an adult, you do not understand anything!”
If the children stop obeying you and you cannot influence them in any way, then there is no point in looking for an answer to the question: “What can I do to take control of the situation?” Ask your child for help, tell him: “I understand that you think that it is necessary to do this and that. But what about me? “ When the children see that you are as interested in their affairs as you are in your own, they are more than willing to help you find a way out of the situation.
The boy is 10 years old. When asked to help around the house, he says to his mother: “Leave me alone!” – “What do you mean” leave me alone? ” “I said fuck off! If I want – I will do, if I do not want – I will not ”. On attempts to talk to him, to find out the reason for this behavior, he is rude or withdrawn into himself. A child can do everything, but only when he decides to do it himself, without pressure from adults.
Remember, the effectiveness of influencing children is diminished when we command them. “Stop doing it!”, “Move!”, “Get dressed!” – forget about the imperative mood. Ultimately, your shouts and commands will lead to the formation of two warring parties: a child and an adult. Let your son or daughter make their own decisions. For example, “Will you feed the dog or take out the trash?” Having received the right to choose, children realize that everything that happens to them is connected with the decisions that they make themselves. However, when giving a choice, provide your child with reasonable alternatives and be ready to accept any of his or her choices. If your words do not work for the child, offer him another alternative that will interest him and allow you to intervene in the situation.
The 14-year-old daughter came late from a walk as if nothing had happened, without warning her parents. The father and mother make harsh remarks to her. Girl: “Fuck off, I don’t need such parents!”
Children often make attempts to openly disobey their parents, challenge them. Parents force them to behave “properly” from a position of strength or try to “temper their ardor.” I suggest you do the opposite, which is to moderate our own ardor. Get away from the conflict! In this example, the parents should not throw accusations at the teenager, but try to convey to her the seriousness of the situation and the scale of them, worry about her life. Having realized what emotions the parents experienced in her absence, the girl is unlikely to continue to fight for her independence and the right to be an adult in this way.
1. Before starting a serious conversation, highlight for yourself the main thing that you want to convey to the child. and learn to listen to it carefully.
2. Talk to your children as equals.
3. If the child is insolent or rude to you, do not be afraid to make comments to him, point out mistakes, but calmly and succinctly, without curses, tears and tantrums.
4. In no case do not put pressure on the teenager with authority! This will provoke him to be even more rude.
5. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Give your child this opportunity more often, and he will be less likely to show a tendency to bad behavior.
6. If your son or daughter has shown a good side, be sure to praise, they need your approval.
7. Never tell a teenager that he owes you something or owes something. This will provoke him to act “out of spite”. Before him lies the whole world, he is an adult, he is a person, he does not want to be in debt to anyone. Better talk to him on the topic: “Adulthood is the ability of a person to be responsible for their actions.”
The word – to the doctor:
– Very often, a neurological pathology is hidden behind the difficult behavior of a child, its roots need to be sought in deep childhood, says neurologist Elena Shestel. – Very often babies are born with a birth injury. Both the ecology and the lifestyle of the parents are to blame for this. And if in the first years of life the child is not treated, then as he grows up he will have problems. Such children grow up overly emotional, they learn with difficulty, and often experience difficulties in communication.