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True intimacy and strong relationships require daily work. A married couple of psychotherapists from their own experience — personal and professional — knows how to keep love and what is important to pay attention to in the holiday bustle.
During a New Year’s season rife with travel, family visits, extra expenses, and the need to feel cheerful and upbeat, even the happiest couples can struggle.
Charlie and Linda Bloom, psychotherapists and relationship counselors, have been happily married since 1972. They are convinced that relationships are endless work, and during the holidays it is especially important. “Many people are under the influence of romantic myths,” Linda explains, “and do not believe that it takes a lot of effort to maintain a happy partnership. They think that it is enough just to find your man. However, relationships are labor, but labor of love. And most of all, it’s about working on yourself.”
The good news is that «dream relationships» are possible — of course, provided that both people are capable of them. “You have a high chance of creating an optimal relationship with someone who has potential and values uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthat are close to you, who has reached emotional maturity and shares your willingness to do this work,” Charlie is sure. She and Linda describe the relationship as optimal in which both people enjoy the time they spend together, feel a high level of trust, and are confident that most of their needs in a couple will be met.
However, it can be a daunting task 365 days a year to find options to meet the needs of a partner and our own. Linda and Charlie offer six tips for developing relationships over the holidays and weekdays.
1. Na-ebute ụzọ
“Typically, most of us give all our energy to work or children, and this leads to relationship breakdowns,” says Linda. During the holiday season, prioritizing can be especially challenging, but it’s important not to lose sight of each other.
Before starting a series of visits to family and friends, talk about the feelings that each of you may have during this communication.
“Feelings are natural, but they should not become destructive,” Linda comments. “Find time and space to soothe each other with words and actions, expressing love and appreciation.”
“Be extra careful and don’t neglect your partner during family gatherings,” adds Charlie. “It’s easy to start taking each other for granted when there are others who crave your attention.” Small acts of care are very important.
2. Set aside time each day to connect with each other.
Daily “check-ins” can seem like a daunting task during the holidays, when to-do lists are longer than ever. But Charlie and Linda say it’s important to take the time to communicate meaningfully with your partner every day.
“People are often so busy that they don’t have time to talk to each other,” Linda laments. “But it is very important to take breaks in business and fuss every day.” Find a way to test what works best for your couple and help maintain intimacy — hugging, walking the dog, or discussing the upcoming day over morning coffee.
3. Respect your differences
Understanding and accepting differences is an integral part of any relationship, but otherness can manifest itself more sharply during vacations or vacations. More frugal people will react differently to the selection of gifts than those who part with money easily. Extroverts may be tempted to show up at every party, while introverts may feel tired.
And where there are differences, conflicts are inevitable, which in turn cause anger and resentment. “In our work experience, we see that many people do not deal well with such situations,” says Linda. — They humble themselves, accumulate resentment, get angry, show neglect. But when we interview happy couples, we find that these people respect their differences. They learned to talk about them without accusations and condemnations. This requires inner strength and self-discipline — to be able to tell the truth so that it does not hurt, tactfully and diplomatically.
4. Listen and let your partner talk
During the holidays, stress levels can rise not only due to the accumulated tension from work, but also due to the activation of family dynamics. Visits from relatives can cause tension, as can differences in parenting styles.
“It’s hard to resist the urge to interrupt someone, correct them, or defend yourself,” Charlie comments. “Hearing something unbearable, we want to get rid of pain, anger or fear. We want to silence the other person.”
Charlie admits that he himself experienced this: “In the end, I realized that my attempts to get rid of anger only made the situation worse. When I saw how this was affecting Linda, my heart skipped a beat. I felt how my attempts to protect myself affected her.”
To listen to your partner and keep from an instant outburst, Linda offers to literally close your mouth and put yourself in the place of the interlocutor: “Try to feel the same as your loved one. Put your own feelings aside and try to understand the other.”
Charlie urges you to stop and ask yourself: what did I feel before I interrupted the interlocutor? “When I work with couples,” he shares, “I try to help them understand what is going on so that people become more mindful of their experience and how they react to what.”
But whether you’re struggling with empathy or you’re busy exploring your triggers, try to give your partner as much attention as possible before jumping into your point of view. “Keep in mind that silent listening does not mean that you agree with everything that is said. But it’s important to let your partner feel like you’ve heard them before offering a different point of view,” explains Charlie.
5. Ask: “How can I show my love for you?”
“People tend to give love in the form they want to receive it themselves. But what pleases one person may not suit another, ”says Linda. According to her, the most correct question to ask a partner is: “How can I best show my love for you?”
Therapists say that people perceive manifestations of love in five main ways: touch, quality time together, words («I love you», «You look great», «I’m so proud of you»), actionable help (for example, taking out the trash or cleaning kitchen after the festive dinner) and gifts.
What will help a loved one feel loved? A piece of jewelry or a new high-tech gadget? Evening massage or weekend for two? Cleaning the house before the arrival of guests or a card with a love message? “Those who manage to build good relationships live with curiosity and wonder,” Linda explains. “They are ready to create a whole world for the one they love.”
6. Help your partner make their dream come true
“We all have secret dreams that we think will never come true,” says Linda, “but if someone helps us make them come true, contact with him becomes meaningful.”
Charlie and Linda encourage partners to write down how each of them imagines an ideal life, giving free rein to the imagination. «These fantasies don’t have to be identical — just put them together and look for matches.»
Psychologists are sure that when people look at each other with faith in the strength, energy and talent of each, it brings them together. “If you support each other in achieving a dream, the relationship becomes deep and trusting.”
Charlie believes that good relationships are 1% inspiration and 99% sweat. And while there may be even more sweat during the holiday season, investing in intimacy will pay off invaluably.
“There are more benefits than you can imagine,” Linda confirms. A good relationship is like a bomb shelter. With a strong, close partnership, you have a buffer and salvation from external adversity. Feeling the peace of mind to be loved just for who you are is like hitting the jackpot.”