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Everyone has made mistakes at least once. At such moments, we seem blind to ourselves: how could you not notice that this person cannot be relied upon? It happens that we do not find a common language, because we did not take the trouble to observe, to draw up a portrait of him for ourselves. How to do it quickly and without tests from the special services, advises coach John Alex Clark.
Colleague, friend, potential partner… The person is nice to you, but you don’t fully understand what kind of person he is, how he will react to your vulnerability, can you trust him with a secret, ask for help? Psychological life hack sites are full of articles like “If you want to know someone, ask them 38 questions.” Let’s imagine what it looks like: you sit a colleague or acquaintance across from you, ask him questions according to the list and carefully document the answers. How many will agree to this?
The other extreme is to believe that it is possible to unravel a person only after a few months or years of close communication. Coach John Alex Clark is sure: it’s not about the amount of time, but about observation and willingness to link facts into a single chain. There are a few simple tricks that allow you to detect patterns in behavior and understand character.
1. Notice the details
Every day we perform thousands of routine actions: talking on the phone, buying food. People’s actions can provide insight into their personality and help predict how they will behave in similar situations.
Ọmụmaatụ A. Someone who chooses the same dish every day in a restaurant may avoid change in life and dislike uncertainty. Such a person may turn out to be a faithful and devoted husband, but it will be difficult to convince him to move to another country or make a risky investment.
Example B. A person who enjoys gambling and other risky ventures is likely to take risks in other areas of life. For example, he may quit his job without finding a new one and not taking care of the financial «airbag».
Example C. A person who never forgets to look both ways before crossing the road may be cautious. He will carefully consider every decision before making it, and will only take calculated risks.
By analyzing a person’s behavior in one area, you can evaluate how he will manifest himself in other areas of life.
2. Pay attention to communication methods
How does he communicate? Does he build relationships with everyone in a row or single out the closest in spirit, and with the rest he tries to stay within the bounds of decency? Does he act on a whim, without a clear plan, is he guided by impressions or does he try to analyze everything, does not trust his instincts and strives to be objective? Is he more of a practitioner who lives in the world of facts, tasks, measurable values, or a thinker for whom ideas, concepts, schemes and images are important?
3. Discuss relationships at work with mutual friends
It seems that «washing the bones» of others is an empty and meaningless occupation. But the main thing is what qualities a person gives to others, how he interprets their motivations. Speaking of others, we most often notice what is in ourselves. Our personal «pantheon» can tell us what we value in people, whom we strive to be like, what qualities we try to change in ourselves.
The more often a person evaluates others as kind-hearted, happy, emotionally stable, or polite, the more likely they are to have these traits themselves. Reasoning like “yes, he’s just pretending, he’s digging a hole for someone” may mean that the interlocutor is prudent and understands only relationships built on profit.
4. Feel the boundaries
When we want to build a relationship, we look at the good and ignore the bad. But the illusions will dissipate, and you will have to see the person in his entirety. Experienced communicators first of all look not for the good in the opponent, but for the boundaries of the good.
He is amiable — where does his amiability end? Sincere — where will it start to get dark? Strives to help — where does this desire dry up? Incorruptible up to what amount? Honest with clients up to what amount? Tolerant of the mistakes of subordinates until what point? Sober-minded, reasonable, adequate? Where is the button that turns him into a madman?
Having understood this, we will figure out exactly how to communicate with another and what to expect from him.
About the Author: John Alex Clark is an NLP Coach and Practitioner.