An excerpt from S. Soloveichik’s book «Pedagogy for All»
There has long been a debate about authoritarian and permissive parenting. The first rests on submission to authority: «Who did I tell?» Permissive means many things are allowed. But people do not understand: if “everything is permitted”, where does the disciplining principle come from? Teachers beg: be kind to children, love them! Parents listen to them, and capricious, spoiled people grow up. Everyone clutches their heads and shouts to the teachers: “You taught this! You’ve ruined the kids!»
But the fact is that the result of education does not depend on hardness or softness, and not only on love, and not on whether children are pampered or not pampered, and not on whether they are given everything or not everything — it depends only on spirituality of the people around.
When we say «spirit», «spirituality», we, without clearly understanding it ourselves, are talking about the great human striving for the infinite — for truth, goodness and beauty. With this aspiration, this spirit that lives in people, everything beautiful on earth was created — cities are built with it, feats are accomplished with it. Spirit is the true basis of all the best that is in man.
It is spirituality, this invisible, but completely real and definite phenomenon, that introduces a strengthening, disciplining moment that does not allow a person to do bad things, although everything is permitted to him. Only spirituality, without suppressing the will of the child, without forcing him to fight with himself, to subjugate himself — himself, makes him a disciplined, kind person, a man of duty.
Where there is a high spirit, everything is possible there, and everything will benefit; where only finite desires rule, everything is to the detriment of the child: candy, caress, and task. There, any communication with a child is dangerous for him, and the more adults are engaged in it, the worse the result. Teachers write to parents in children’s diaries: «Take action!» But in other cases, to be honest, it would be necessary to write: “Your son does not study well and interferes with the class. Leave him alone! Don’t go near him!»
The mother has misfortune, the son of a parasite grew up. She is killed: “I am to blame, I didn’t refuse him anything!” She bought the child expensive toys and beautiful clothes, «she gave him everything, whatever she asked.» And everyone pities their mother, they say: “That’s right … We spend too much on them! I am my first costume…” and so on.
But everything that can be evaluated, measured in dollars, hours, square meters or other units, all this, perhaps, is important for the development of the mind and five senses of the child, but for education, that is, for the development of the spirit, attitude does not have. Spirit is infinite, not measurable in any units. When we explain the bad behavior of a grown son by the fact that we spent a lot on him, we are somewhat like people who willingly confess to a small fault in order to hide a serious one. Our true guilt before children is in a semi-spiritual, in a non-spiritual attitude towards them. Of course, it is easier to admit to material extravagance than spiritual stinginess.
For all occasions, we demand scientific advice! But if anyone needs a recommendation on how to scientifically wipe a child’s nose, then here it is: from a scientific point of view, a spiritual person can wipe a child’s nose as he pleases, but an unspiritual one — do not approach the little one. Let him walk around with a wet nose.
If you don’t have the spirit, you won’t do anything, you won’t answer a single pedagogical question truthfully. But after all, there are not many questions about children, as it seems to us, but only three: how to cultivate a desire for truth, that is, conscientiousness; how to cultivate a desire for good, that is, love for people; and how to cultivate the desire for beauty in deeds and in art.
I ask: but what about those parents who do not have these aspirations for the high? How should they raise their children?
The answer sounds terrible, I understand, but you have to be honest … no way! No matter what such people do, they will not succeed, the children will get worse and worse, and the only salvation is some other educators. Raising children is strengthening the spirit with the spirit, and there is simply no other upbringing, neither good nor bad. So — it turns out, and so — it doesn’t work, that’s all.